Ya know that feeling where you wake up after about an hour of sleep and you know what you want to happen but you're just not sure how on Earth everything could possibly work out for you in that regard? Ya know that feeling where you wake up after about one hour of sleep and you feel completely differently anout a person than you did before you laid down? Ya know that feeling where you wake up after about one hour of sleep and you see things that could happen and you're so anxious for them to start happening that you can't believe you've got to wait seven whole weeks before you can even consider them?

Ya know that feeling, where you've just broken up with your boyfriend, and you wake up after about one hour of sleep picturing and craving a new relationship that you just can't see as anything less than perfect (obviously better than the one you just got out of) but you know you're so bogged down with emotions right now that the only option you have is to sit and wait it out for the entire allotment of seven weeks before it would even be acceptable to start considering new things?

Yeah so that's about how I feel right now. One minute I'm wondering if Ryan's okay, I mean, is he surviving without me, is he a complete wreck, is there anything I can do to ease his pain and should I do it? And the obvious answers are yes, yes, probably, no, and definitely not. I don't want to come off as a cold-hearted bitch, but I've got to accept that I'm the one that did the dumping, which probably makes me a cold-hearted bitch to him. I spent four years of my life completely devoted to this person and it's hard to cut the ties even if it IS my idea. I just can't help but care a little bit. I can't help but hope for him that he has somewhere to go for comfort like I do. I want things for him: I want him to be able to move on and to be successful and to be happy, even if I'm not in his bigger picture anymore. I can't help but feel that way. I've spent four years sharing my life with him, and sharing his life too. There's something there that won't ever quite go away. We are part of each other, for better or worse. And as much as I know I'm moving on, I can't help but feel part of his pain, and knowing that I'm the cause of it, well that just hurts. Especially since I'm the type of person who usually tries my hardest not to hurt anyone. I feel guilty and my heart aches. I don't know if anyone who hasn't experienced something like this can really understand what I mean.

And then the next moment I'm looking at the other possibilities for my own life. I will move on and I will be happy and I know what I want and what will make me happy in the long run. This whole "being back at the starting gate" thing is frankly exciting for me. I get to go through all those high school type emotions of does-he-like-me and do-I-like-him and what-kind-of-relationship-would-we-have and how-do-I-talk-to-him-now and how-much-flirting-is-too-much and well you get the idea. All those timid and sweet and sometimes silly high-school thoughts that I haven't had since, well, high school. This is a little thrilling for me. I get the chance to start things over at the beginning. I'll get to experience tingling fingers holding hands and first kisses and all those wonderful things that make a relationship so great at the beginning, all over again. And let me tell you, I've missed those days. And now I have other experiences behind me; I have a better idea of what I really want and don't want, what's healthy or not, everything like that. Honestly when I start thinking about this I can't wait for it to start.

My big brother Locke is right when he says I have to wait. I know I do. He says four weeks but I'm thinking at least six. I know that starting anything sooner than that would totally be horrible for everyone involved. I need to get past my bi-polar Ryan feelings. I need to see him moving on and me moving on, and I need to let go of my guilt and my strings from that relationship and so many other things. I'm not stupid. I know there's a process, although it's been about six years since I've actually had to go through it.

I just hope that time passes smoothly and quickly, that I don't give in or fall back to what's comfotable, and that before I know it spring break is here and I can start seriously considering something new. That's all I can do. It sucks to be impatient.

I will be okay. Please have patience with me, and don't be alarmed if I need silly things like random hugs or a shoulder to cry on. It will all be over soon, but not soon enough.