Took the advice of some smart people today and prayed. At least, I wrote a prayer in my other blog; maybe some people don't consider that praying but it's the closest I've gotten in a real long time. And I think I got some answers out of it. At the very least I feel better than I have been. A little less stressed I guess. Less like I'm about to explode.

Talked to Ryan this morning. Feel better about him too. We know where we both are now, which is a start. He seems to be doing all right. I know he misses me but he's accepting it. He wants to stay friends and I'm down with that, eventually... not right away. We need to be apart now in order to figure our lives out. I give him credit, he's doing better than I guess I thought he would be.

In my prayer experience this afternoon I actually came to some good conclusions. Maybe obvious things, but things I just couldn't see for myself until today. First is that ending a relationship after four and a half years is not a failure. It's not a waste of that time. It doesn't mean that I'll never be able to have a life-long commitment. Maybe that sounds dumb to you but it's something I've really been struggling with and I finally feel like I'm going to be okay. I learned a lot of things about myself and relationships while I was with Ryan, and the more I think about it, the more I think I know what I need to do the next time around. How to communicate, prioritize, and finally commit. You don't just stay in a relationship because it's been so long that you can't see yourself anywhere else. I've been hearing those words in some form or other for the past six months, and I finally understand what they mean.

I know that Ryan and I will never get back together. We just aren't right for each other, and even if he fixed everything that I thought was a problem in our relationship, we still wouldn't be right for each other. Someday he'll realize this. Maybe not soon, but someday.

Regarding yesterday's post... I've had such mixed-up feelings for the past 36 hours that I'm not sure which direction is what or what I want or how to go about getting it. All day yesterday I felt like a fifteen-year-old with a high school crush, and I hate that. That's gotta go, right now. I'm twenty-one, not fifteen. I'm capable of being a mature adult and having mature adult relationships. I mean, think about it... when you start dating someone, it's not as though you didn't already 'have a relationship' with that person to begin with. (Well, most of the time at least.) It shouldn't be about 'starting a relationship' with someone and all that dating stuff. It should be about taking the relationships you already have and making them better and stronger until nothing can break it. It's got to be based on a friendship, not a crush. A real marriage is based on a strong relationship between two people who decide to commit their lives to one another. Not that I'm looking to get married right now, but definitely in the future. That's something I've always known I wanted. So as far as the thoughts I was having yesterday, the silly high-school stuff is not really what I want. I've had that. What I want is to maintain the relationships that I already have, the friendships that I count on and trust, and make them be the best that they can be. Because that's really what it's all about.

Happy Valentine's Day to all. I hope your is as sweet as mine has turned out to be.