There is no denying now that John is walking. Two or three steps with Daddy on Monday and Tuesday turned into four or five steps with me yesterday, and I've seen him start venturing out on his own: stepping from chair to toy box or similar when neither Joe nor I is there. I was sitting by my computer yesterday afternoon, my back to him while he played, when suddenly a little hand was tugging at my sleeve.
This milestone has had an unexpected effect on me. This little boy, arms raised high, toothy grin taking up his whole face, comes toddling into me and throws his arms around my neck. What happened to my baby?
Yes, he's only 9 months old, definitely still a baby, so maybe I am getting ahead of myself. (I'm thinking back to that low night in the hospital when he was 4 days old and I was crying uncontrollably about how fast the time was going. :P) It's hard to explain, but I guess it's just that walking seems like such a grown-up thing to do. Babies crawl, big kids walk. I don't know, like I said, it is hard to explain. Suffice it to say, suddenly it hit me just how much he has changed since the school year started four months ago, when he had just learned how to sit and hadn't even started solid foods.
Last week, on New Year's Day I think, we were visiting Joe's parents, and John was napping in my arms. He laid his little head on my chest, those beautiful kissable perfect Gerber-baby lips pursed, like a little doll; and I had a flashback to that newborn I couldn't stop marveling at nine months ago. So different but still so much the same.
I guess with your first child, it's hard to look ahead because you don't really know what's in store or how much fun it will be. Especially if you are like me and have a hard time with change. I keep wanting to freeze time; but if I'd frozen time when I first wanted to, I'd still be rocking a tiny newborn, and I wouldn't have this little person who loves me so obviously and unconditionally. I guess the advantage when you have your first child is the hope that you'll be able to do all this again someday; and maybe the advantage when you have your second is knowing all the fun you have to look forward to.
I've been giving him extra hugs and kisses these past few days, this baby of mine, still too young to make disgusted faces and push me away. I'm making a renewed effort to play more, and make him laugh more, and enjoy him more. I'm cracking up at the silly things he does, on purpose or not. I'm being a good listener and a good conversationalist, even if I don't understand the words. I'm staying calm and smiling and cheerful instead of getting cross and frustrated. I'm taking a minute to be thankful that right now, he wants to run TO me. And again. And again.
That quote, that having a baby "is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body." That is so true. And this week, my heart has learned to walk.