Two truisms have been lost in the tangle of Christmas tinsel: "It is better to give than to receive" and "It's the thought that counts."
Miss Manners suspects that they were thrown out on purpose. The smallest child can compare getting new stuff with having to get things for others and tell you which he likes better. And pious exhortations do not erase the disappointment when the take has fallen short of expectations.
Society imagines that it has fixed these problems by bringing them frankly out in the open. That was the all-purpose solution that did so much for marriage in the '70s. When the all-business-all-the-time attitude of the '80s was added, it revolutionized the ancient custom of exchanging presents.
By coming up with the cash gift, the gift certificate and the gift registry, it said, in effect, "Fine, get your own %#$@ presents." All the work of giving was eliminated, leaving only the expense. The possibility of disappointment was eliminated entirely, barring a rebellion on the part of the targeted donors, who so far seem to be meekly complying with demands.
The perfect system, many believe. Apparently they failed to notice that something else that got eliminated: the entire point of exchanging presents.
Unless you believe people should pay friends and relations to get through life, a sort of automatic $200 from the other players for passing Go, it doesn't make sense to sponsor or do other people's shopping. Why do we have such a ridiculous custom? There are two answers to that.
First, that while the joy of getting seems to be instinctive, it is part of the civilizing process to learn the joy of giving. That used to be the sneaky educational reason behind the orchestration of children's birthday parties -- that the guests would learn to choose and to let go of presents without expecting any immediate return. But that came to be considered too harsh a lesson for children to absorb, and has been sabotaged by the advent of substantial favors and goody bags.
Too bad. There is a reason to go through the painful process of developing genuine pleasure in the act of giving to others: Oddly enough, it finally works. People who think about others paradoxically turn out to be personally happier than those who only brood about themselves.
Second, and even more unbelievably, there can be a deeper joy in receiving than in just getting the goods. That is where thought comes in. Sure, it is great to receive something you have always wanted. But to receive something that someone guessed that you always wanted is a double thrill. Knowing that someone has studied you carefully enough to know what will please you is a priceless present in itself. Even the near guesses and wrong guesses are endearing if they show thought.
Thought doesn't just count -- it is the point of the custom. There is no other excuse for the bizarre routine of doing one another's shopping.
Gift-giving is an interesting subject, and a touchy one. I think Miss Manners hits the nail on the head: the prevailing attitude (if you would believe the TV commercials) is that the most important thing is to receive exactly what you want. Which means, of course, that either you must detail exactly what you want by way of a gift registry, or, that everyone must give everyone else cash or gift cards so that they don't disappoint by giving something that the recipient didn't actually want.
I'm not saying that gift cards or cash are necessarily, automatically, always bad. (Miss Manners might disagree.) In my experience, they're usually given with a specific intent in mind, such as "I wanted to get you a shirt, but I didn't know your size" or "Treat yourself to dinner and a movie." (And face it, you usually can't give the experience of dinner and a movie except in gift card form anyway!) Even when my aunts and uncles get together with "We wanted each of you cousins to have something nice but there's so darn many of you that it's easier if you pick it out yourself." When it gets silly is if I have no idea what to get my mom, so I give her $50, and she has no idea what to get me, so she gives me $50... what have either of us gained from the experience? (I'm using that as a hypothetical example, not something that really happened.) That's what Miss Manners is talking about by people paying each other to get through the holidays.
I also think it's a shame when people are so afraid of disappointing the other party that they have someone else do their shopping for them. No problem with asking for ideas, like when my parents wonder what Joe might like for Christmas. But I admit I was pretty disappointed when I found out that my grandparents would have mom do the shopping and then wrap it up and say it was from them. I know they didn't ALWAYS do that, and I think my sister's and my favorite gifts were the ones that I'm fairly sure they picked out themselves. I just wish they would have realized that.
I guess all I'm saying is that the best thing about receiving a Christmas gift is usually the surprise. The gift somebody picked out for you that you would never have thought of getting for yourself, or the one you were hoping for but truly didn't expect to receive. Sometimes there's one that doesn't go over the way the giver hoped, but even then you know it is the thought that counts!
My favorite part of Christmas this year was watching everyone else open their presents, and I don't mean just the ones I bought for them. I think it's neat to see what everyone else picked out for each person too, and how they react to it. Joe's family tradition is to go one at a time: each person gets the full attention of everyone in the room while they open all their gifts. It's a far cry from the free-for-all that I grew up with, where everyone is opening everything at the same time -- and I'm not saying that's a bad thing either, especially with the huge family gatherings at my grandparents' house on Christmas Day where going one at a time would take the entire afternoon. But you know how it is on Christmas: once you've opened all your gifts, then you want to know what everyone else got anyway, so everyone starts asking everyone else and trying to say thank-you over the din, and half the time you miss seeing the reactions of people opening the gifts you gave them. So I like taking turns. I think that's one tradition we'll bring into our new family when we get married. :)
Anyway, this is rather disjointed and I need to get back to work! But the subject has been on my mind lately (obviously, it's kind of hard NOT to think about it when you're being bombarded from every direction) and since Miss Manners brought it up, I figured it was a good time to blog. Since I can't be home in my new PJ's and robe, reading one of my new books and having peppermint stick ice cream, or something lovely like that. :D