Christmas has finally arrived! I'm not sure how it happened, but it's here. Advent is over, the waiting is over, Christmas is here, ready or not. You know, I think it's a bit fitting how it snuck up. Funny how it managed to do that, to sneak up on me and catch me not fully prepared. Sad even, since I knew exactly how long I had, and I still wasn't ready. There were so many things I wanted to do and didn't. I am just thinking of how appropriate this is, as a metaphor for my life... For the last four weeks, we've been hearing that the Savior is coming, and we should be preparing ourselves to receive Him. And suddenly He is here, and I'm not ready. Even though I had all that time, and all that warning. That is kind of scary, if you think about it.
I didn't even put up my Christmas tree this year. I meant to, but it just kept getting pushed off. A lot of that was truly not wanting to have to bother with ripping the cat out of it every two seconds, and watching all my cherished ornaments shatter every time the tree falls. And it would fall. It fell last year, it fell two years ago, and both times I lost ornaments. My irreplaceable First Christmas ornament, now 24 years old, is cracked from last year's fall. It's sitting out on a shelf this year, I pessimistically wonder whether it will ever hang from a Christmas tree again.
This isn't supposed to be a negative post. :) I'm glad that Christmas is here, actually. Maybe I didn't do some of the things I wanted, but I did a lot. Even without the tree, my apartment is decorated. There are lights in the window. Christmas knick-knacks and teddy bears all around. There are nine years' worth of annual Beanie Babies Holiday Teddies. There is a beautiful figurine of Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus, surrounded by the wings of an angel. There is the main Nativity scene in the living room, with its moss-covered wooden stable. I just added baby Jesus into the manger this evening.
My presents are all bought and wrapped, and I even sent out some cards this year. (Granted, they're not going to arrive before tomorrow, but the fact that I sent any at all is a big step.) I've watched "It's a Wonderful Life" at least three times so far, and listened to the holiday songs on the radio (in spite of the fact that they're mostly disappointing). Joe and I even baked Christmas cookies! So I certainly haven't been just sitting around this whole time.
There's been a lot of time to think, lately. Believe it or not, I actually spend quite a bit of time thinking. It seems that I have little epiphanies on a regular basis, related to all kinds of things. So many things that I couldn't possibly write them all down, and I don't think most people would care about them anyway. To be honest, I couldn't call to mind all of them if I tried. I just know that I have had a lot of what my dad would call "Aha! experiences" since my conversion, and that I don't remember ever feeling like I was learning so much before I converted. In fact, before I converted I never thought much about learning at all. Now I think about it all the time, about how much there is to learn, how much there is to know, how much I wish I could find out. Two years ago I didn't care about school; now I think I'd love to go back. I want to study philosophy, theology. I want to learn Latin. I want to know more about child psychology. I want to find out about Church history. I'm not interested in a degree or a career path; I just want to know. Funny, isn't it.
That doesn't have much to do with Christmas, except for the Christmas-related conclusions I've reached in the last couple of days. But I think, for now, private revelations will remain private.
I had a really enjoyable day today. Actually, the past two days were pretty great. Yesterday, Locke came over, and he and Joe and I had pizza and relaxed and just chatted for hours. Then today, Joe and I visited Tim and Cathy, and relaxed and just chatted for hours (and enjoyed their beautiful girls!). It was just really, really nice to spend time with friends!
Then this afternoon, we went to Christmas Eve Vigil Mass. It was an absolute madhouse. People were crammed into every available corner, filling the vestibule from the last pew all the way to the doors. There were no seats left to be had, although we did manage to snag a spot by the baptismal font so I could lean. Honestly, I can't tell whether I was awed by it, or hated it. A bit of both I think. It is nice that people come to church on Christmas Eve. In one way you wonder why they bother, because you know many of the Christmas church-goers don't attend church any other time during the year (except for maybe Easter). Why now, why Christmas? Somewhere deep down they still realize it's important. As long as they're coming once, they're still acknowledging that God is somehow there. That's encouraging in its own way... you hope the message will get through and they'll find themselves coming back on a weekly basis. You never know. Anyway, that's the optimistic, the awe-inspiring view of it... on the other hand I hated it, but that was purely selfish. The sheer number of people was distracting, the inability to kneel was frustrating. People talk at the wrong times. You know that many of the people receiving the Eucharist probably shouldn't be, and you know that because half of them walk out the door once the Host is in their mouth, even though the Mass is not yet ended. I love Mass ordinarily, and I would probably love Christmas Eve Mass, but I'd have to get there in time to have a seat up in the front where I usually sit. I was going to say that I like it better with a small, intimate crowd -- but that's not so much it. It's more psychological... it doesn't matter how many people there are when I'm sitting up front, because most of them are behind me, so I am less distracted by them. It's selfish, as I said. Either way, I got to go to Mass, and receive the Eucharist, and that's always good, even when I am so distracted that I don't really appreciate what is going on. :)
After Mass, we spent the evening at Joe's uncle's house, playing Risk with his brother and cousin. And I think I'm halfway decent at Risk, even though I've never played a game to completion. (I wonder if anyone ever really does play it to the end. Kinda like Monopoly... does anyone ever finish that game?)
Now I am home and it is 2am, I'm blogging and considering digging out my Christmas tree and putting it up. I am insane, to be sure. :) But it sure would brighten things up in here. In the morning I'll get up and open my stocking (sent direct by mail from Mommy Claus so I'd have it Christmas morning) and call the parents. Then I'll be going over to Joe's to open presents with his immediate family, and we'll spend the afternoon with his mom's side of the family. That will be lovely too, I'm sure!
It's a different Christmas this year than what I'm used to from years past. It's my first Christmas away from my family, but I'm not missing all the traditions the way I thought I would. I get to be a part of another family and their traditions this year, and that's pretty neat! Things change, and they'll continue to change, especially once we have children and start forming our own traditions for their childhood Christmases. I love this time of year for so many reasons.
God rest ye merry, gentlemen! Let nothing you dismay.
Remember Christ, our Savior, was born upon this day!
Have a very blessed Christmas, everyone! :)