I'm not in a writing mood. Well, I guess I must kinda be in a writing mood because here I am, but mostly what I mean is that I am supposed to be finishing my portfolio for fiction, which is due by noon tomorrow, and I'm not really in the mood for it. This semester's main short story, A Baby Story (title subject to change, if I ever feel creative enough to change it), is supposedly almost done, but honestly, it's really not. Poetry Lady (my prof) told me she likes what I have, there's just one character that needs to be developed more. "Just add some flaws into the scenes with him in them, so he doesn't appear too perfect," she suggested. But it just isn't going to work that way. I dunno, maybe I will give up and give her a "mostly-polished" version and finish it later. I would like to get it done, but not right this second. Ya know? I know what I want to do with it but I don't think I can do it by tomorrow.

I don't think I am cut out to be a writer. At least not a full-time one. But I'm okay with that. :)

I think most of my problem is that I'm so confused about my personal life. Again. This has been the absolute worst semester as far as relationships go. I mean, I have a boyfriend who absolutely adores me. So why do I have doubts about it? I don't know. I have been since last summer, at least in the back of my mind. Mid-semester was the worst but I thought we were back on track after that. I know it's me. I just don't know what to do.

Think of it this way: a lot of people come into college (most, I think) single, looking to meet new people and date and maybe find their soulmate while they're getting their degree. I came into college a year into a great relationship, and I never doubted that and never regretted it. Until now. It's like, this semester we were having problems anyway, and I started thinking, "What have I been missing?" I've met all sorts of great people in college, and made incredible friends, and had a wonderful time. But I missed out on the whole dating scene. I always thought it was a good thing... but is it? Is it good that I decided before I even got to college that even though I might meet new people, I definitely wouldn't give myself the chance to explore different relationships with them? But when I get married someday, that's exactly the choice I'll be making for myself. No matter who I meet after my wedding day, it's too late, I've already chosen not to date anymore. So maybe it's not so dumb. I'm as good as engaged now. But still in the back of my mind I think "seventeen was too young to pledge your life to someone else". Look at my mother. She was married at nineteen and stayed married for over 25 years, and she must be about the most unhappy person I've ever met. (I can't know why because I adore my daddy, but then I'm not married to him). Am I going to end up like her?

Why do I have all these conflicting feelings? What do I do about them? Should I shove them down to the pit of my stomach, ignore them, hope they'll go away, and busy myself with appreciating what I have? Should I throw away a four-year relationship to pursue a crush? If I do that... four years down the drain... how can I ever think that I'll someday be able to pledge myself to one man for the rest of my life? How will I ever know who the right man is? Will I get bored every four years for the rest of my life and keep going from guy to guy?

I've never been so confused about the rest of my life as this semester. I think it's because the rest of my life is coming so quickly. In five months, my college career will be over. And I just can't help feeling like I've missed out on something...