The end is in sight... three hours and forty-six minutes from now, 2002 will be over. What has this year been for me, in the grand scheme of things? Well, let's go back to the very beginning...

For the first five minutes of 2002, I was in a movie theater, taking in the very happy ending to "The Majestic" (beside my Ryan of course). When we emerged from the theater, I said something along the line of "What time is it?", looked at my watch, and said "Happy New Year". What a grand beginning.

The first big event came the following day, when I went along to help my Molly friend pick out her wedding dress. And I admit, the entire time I was there, I kept thinking "I wish it were me. Why does it have to be her? It should be me." I swear, I wanted to go pick out something and try it on, or at least put on a veil. But I played the good bridesmaid and oohed and ahhed and took pictures. And decided she was crazy for buying a dress at the first store. But, as I said... it wasn't me...

Most of spring semester is kind of a blur. Ryan and I put down our security deposits on our fall apartment with Adam. Then sometime around spring break we decided that home sucks and we should stay in Fredonia for the summer. Actually I think it was during spring break, when I got so sick of hearing bad things about my boy and being lectured about him. So we went looking, and got the other Adam in on it, and found a place. Small, dingy, but cheap and definitely doable. Another security deposit down.

Summer started out so well, although I did cry (or at least tear up) on our first night out there. Just the realization that I would never really live at home again, I guess. That is a scary thing at first, although now it's a fact of life and I totally can't wait to be out of here for good. But anyway, summer -- the first month. Endless days of spaghetti and veggie-less tacos, zone dip and citrus frost in freezy mugs, and of course, Final Fantasy. And the occasional Scrabble game. :) I think that month was one of my favorite memories, and if it weren't for the fact that we were unemployed and really low on money, I would have loved for the whole summer to stay that way.

But it couldn't. Somewhere into July I finally found a job, although Adam was gone by then, along with the Playstation and the tacos. I can't say I fondly remember the fights that started happening, and I hated the fact that Ryan went to Texas for two weeks and I had to spend all of that time alone in our apartment. Home (Caz) was starting to look really good at that point.

So then school started on a bad note, me being mad at Ryan, Ryan avoiding me, which wasn't very hard because I had SO much going on... three jobs plus school and CS Club. And it all spiraled and spiraled, until mid-October when it hit bottom and I did the unthinkable -- and broke up with him.

I do have a couple of good memories from that week, believe it or not. I found out that I have some of the most incredible friends I could ever ask for. The talks we had, the laughs and the walks and the awesome hugs are things I wish I had more of. I owe them a lot and I don't know if I can ever really let them know it.

There is one other thing that sticks out in my mind from then though. Well, two things. The first is the email that Ryan wrote to me that first night, which had me in tears the next morning in front of Joe and Jeffy. The second was later that day, when we had rearranged my room to fit my bed back into it (since I'd been sleeping in Ryan's room until then). That night I had to make my bed of course, put the sheets on it and everything to go to bed, and Ryan stood in the doorway watching me. I tell you, putting those sheets on my bed was one of the hardest things I ever did. I cried -- sobbed -- harder that night than I had in years. I think that was when I really realized that I didn't want him out of my life for good.

So the rest of the semester we've spent battling back up away from that low point, and it hasn't been easy. He's been patient and I've been bitchy and hopeless -- as in, always without hope.. pessimistic. I think I'm coming around now. Relationships are hard and you just can't give up on them because of that. It's not always warm and fluttery like the first few months. But I think once two people stop trying to change each other, and try changing themselves instead... that's real commitment. That's what keeps people together.

My mom told me last week that she still thinks that the only reason we got back together is because I couldn't picture my life without him in it. Is that such a bad thing, really?

And so the year comes to an end and we're apart, when what we really need (as Ryan has been saying for months) is time together -- alone, together, with no distractions, just us. Maybe someday. :) But that is my reflection on this year, and my hope is that the next one will be better. I'm graduating in five months, and I have two friends getting married this year. Ryan and I will celebrate our twenty-second birthdays and our fifth anniversary, and maybe by the time the year is out, we'll have some wedding news of our own to share. Who knows? It's already an unofficial thing. All I need is a sparkly for my ring finger. :)

This must be my longest entry yet. Well, I have nothing better to do this New Year's Eve. Just packing for this very long upcoming trip, and/or spending the evening with the fam (minus the sister, who has plans, of course). This is the first year since 98/99 that I haven't had someone to kiss at midnight. :( Here I sit instead, waiting for the phone to ring.

Happy 2003 to you, in two hours fifty-two minutes.