In a little fit of self-psycho-analysis (psycho-self-analysis?) I decided to explore the deeper meaning behind my dislike of the song "Hotel California" by the Eagles, which I admitted to Joe last evening that I just really don't like. When prompted by his natural curiosity as to why I should dislike such a song, I could only respond "Because Ryan liked that song and it makes me think of him." A quite unsatisfactory response, considering Ryan liked a number of songs, most of which do not have any particular affect on me. There are many songs that remind me of many specific people, times, places, and yes some do even make me think of ex-boyfriends... yet "Hotel California" is the only one I really know of that I prefer to turn off rather than listen to. Especially peculiar because ordinarily I think this is a song I would like.
Spurred to further investigation, I found myself at Google looking at the lyrics, which you can read for yourself because I don't feel like pasting them into here.
Anyway, the lyrics are intriguing. And the more I looked at them, the more I realized this song is about my relationship with Ryan. Seriously. Yes, it's probably more likely a weird musical trip on some kind of hallucinogen. But metaphorically it really fits, all the way up to the climax lines "you can check out any time you like / but you can never leave". I could interpret the entire song here, but I don't think I really need to.
So my conclusion is thus: my inability to listen to the song stems from the fact that not only did Ryan like it, but my sub-conscious had already managed to understand that it's a scarily accurate metaphor for my relationship with Ryan, which I had to work very, very hard to put fully into the past and which in some ways will always be a part of me. "You can check out any time you like / but you can never leave"... I have left. The song is over. "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device" no longer.
Music is fun isn't it? I mean the good stuff where the lyrics are poetic and full of imagery, and in particular where you can't completely grasp what all the words mean, the way they're put together. You just have a feeling somehow. You know it is speaking to you deep in your soul. You know it relates to you, even if consciously you can't quite make sense of it.