Internet Explorer sucks, but what can ya do.

From the mood I'm in right now you'd think I had a bad day, but I didn't. In fact it was a pretty good one. I had fun hanging out with Joe tonight even though we didn't really DO anything. I went to Mass twice today and both were good. Mass this morning was the Rite of Acceptance. So I am now publicly making known my intent to join, at least, I think that's what happened. :) It was kind of a neat little ceremony and I got a new Bible. I wish Joe could have come but unfortunately he had to work. C'est la vie.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and that is bugging me. I needed the break, but the pay cut sucks. I paid bills today and was going over my budget, and being down a whole week's pay this month is going to set me back about $400 when the new year starts. It's not that I don't have the windfall there in case I need it. It's just annoying. I want to be GAINING savings, not losing it. But all this month's bills are things I can't avoid. Car insurance is due for the quarter. My federal loans are coming due. I have to pay rent. I have to eat. My car needs gas. The only thing I could cut is my Christmas money and I don't want to do that. I want to get everybody presents, GOOD presents. I have no idea WHAT. I've got my sister's. And some stuff for Joe. But what about my parents? Joe's parents? His brother and sister? There are so many people I want to buy for and I just don't have the means to do it this year. :( If I'd worked this past week... it would be fine.

I'm starting to dread Christmas and I don't like that feeling. People's tacky decorations have me turning up my nose. I'm not in the mood for carols. I'm not in the mood for Santa. I'm not in the mood to decorate, because I can't afford decorations AND Christmas presents. I'm a regular Scrooge. I don't want to be. But I am.

The homily at 5:00 Mass tonight addressed this problem, and you know what... I need to snap out of it. Christmas isn't supposed to be this big consumerist holiday. It's not supposed to be about budgets and decorations and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". There are two radio stations broadcasting 24-hour Christmas music and you know what... I've heard the Chipmunk song, that damn song about the kid and his dying mother's shoes (I hate that song), "Winter Wonderland", "Silver Bells", and more versions of "Sleigh Ride" than I care to count. But what about "Silent Night" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" and "Joy to the World" and "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"? Where are the songs about the true meaning of Christmas? The birth of the Savior, the miracle of the night?

My heart's in the right place. I'm frustrated that my finances won't allow me to give the gifts I want to give. Christmas is about giving and that's always been my favorite thing about it -- wanting to give the ones I love something that will let them know how much they mean to me. But I tend to forget that gifts from the heart don't have to be expensive. Some of the best gifts I've gotten are the simple ones: a journal of Joe's thoughts on the events of our first months together; the cake my mom mailed for my nineteenth birthday; my [not-so] little [anymore] cousin Dana once gave me a plastic leaf stuck to a piece of paper.

Anyway, I'm un-Scrooging myself now. Financially, I can afford more than I like to think I can. I'll make up for it in January. If Joe can do it then so can I. ;) We'll bake us some cut-out cookies and decorate the tree and make chains out of construction paper, and hell I'll even make my own mistletoe (mistletoe is poisonous to cats you know so I can't have the real thing anyway). We'll go shopping for our angel from the angel tree at church (Luke, age 5) which I'm totally excited about, so that little boy will hopefully have an extra-special Christmas this year. And we'll do our best for the families and for each other -- I have a feeling we'd be perfectly satisfied with nothing more than giving each other hugs and kisses for the whole day. ;)

There isn't anything to worry about, what I need to do is quit stressing, relax, enjoy my favorite holiday season and keep remembering why I celebrate it... why I go to church each Sunday... why I took the Rite of Acceptance this morning. It's the same message you get bombarded with every year in countless made-for-TV movies, but I guess sometimes you need to figure it out on your own. :)

I guess everything else I wanted to say can wait. I love my sweet darling Joe. It seems to get harder to leave him every night. ;) Someday love... someday. :)

Happy December to all, and to all a joyous, spirit-filled holiday. :)