"Here in this diary, I write you visions of my summer."

That's my AIM away message for today. It's the first line of the song "In This Diary" by the Ataris, which is a great song first introduced to me by Adam almost exactly five months ago (the night we left on our cruise). For whatever reason it has taken me this long to actually go out and download it. ;) But last night I finally did and I was listening to it this morning. What I like about the song is the great "flashback feel" it has to it. The sound of it (the tune) is a little sad. Wistful, more like. When I listen to it I can see it as a soundtrack to a photo montage, a whole bunch of shots of like a group of friends growing up together or something like that... something you might find in a movie when the whole group (minus probably one) is looking back on things from years later. Do you have any idea what I mean? Probably not, this is probably just a "me" thing, but it's something I remember happening ever since I was little. Certain songs, when I hear them, bring out a particular feeling (and I think wistfulness probably is the best word to describe it) and I can just SEE it as the background to like a slideshow. Always a kind of bitter-sweet thing, where someone is looking back on something as they're about to move on to something else. It's hard to explain... anyhow, I only see it with certain kinds of songs, like I said with a "wistful" quality to the sound (and usually the lyrics too). Happy songs, angry songs, love songs, most songs don't do it. This one did. The first one I specifically remember feeling this way about was from my fourth grade play, believe it or not. :P The play was Johnny Appleseed, and the song was "Times and Seasons" (which our class sang). Just thought I'd throw in that bit of trivia for y'all...

Anyhow, today the song is "In This Diary". The chorus goes "Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right." Four years ago, when I graduated from high school, this probably would have become my favorite song ever. It completely describes the way I felt leaving high school... I was such a sheltered kid, and I loved my life exactly the way it was at that point. I would have liked nothing better than to freeze time and stay there forever. We were all still growing up then (still are in a lot of ways), about to venture off in opposite directions. I didn't think life could get much better than I had it then. "Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives." That's exactly how I felt for that entire summer.

Things change of course. Leaving college was different, maybe because my friends didn't scatter this time like when I left high school... maybe because I felt a lot more grown-up and ready to get out by the time it ended... maybe because in some ways I think my "growing up" days are just about over now. Not that I'll ever really stop growing up, of course. But the song doesn't apply to me as much anymore. Being grown up... actually, although it's tougher than growing up (for me... I had it easy, growing up, I know not everyone does), I don't think it will necessarily be less fun... life is what you make of it and I want to get as much out of it as I can. You only live once, as they say, whoever "they" are -- but "they" are absolutely right. So if the fun part ends when you "grow up" (which for me means becoming independent and responsible for myself) then life pretty much sucks... I mean, I'm a month away from 22... I might still live 60 more years, so I hope to God that the best days are really still to come. ;) Being grown up is a lot more work than growing up... and I'll always look fondly on my days growing up... but there's still so much to look forward to! There's no point in getting overly wistful about days lost right now, no point in doing that really until I hit my deathbed... but even then I've (hopefully!) still got something cool to look forward to. You know, eternity? ;)

Anyhow, let's stop that train of thought before I get too morbid. ;) The point is (is there a point?) I'm in a completely different frame of mind than I was just four short years ago. Back then I wanted to stay a kid... I wanted to be a kid forever, because I felt safe and comfortable and I was taken care of and life was just fun! I didn't want to lose my friends or my childhood. But now, my childhood is pretty well gone. I'm out of college, employed, living on my own, and looking forward to things I want out of life: marriage, family, home. Yes, I'm domestic. :P I want other things, to travel, to further my education, to leave my mark on the world, that kinda thing. I want a lot of things! And actually going out and getting them -- that's gonna be a lot of fun. :) It's not the same kind of carefree fun as when you're little. You have to put in more effort but you get bigger returns. ;)

To get back to where I started... I've been listening to the song a lot last night/ this morning (since I just downloaded it, yes I'm behind the times) and I really do like it... It makes me think of all the fun things I did when I was still in high school and how I felt when I was first preparing to leave for college. I was going to use the chorus as my away message, but when I thought about it I realized the lyrics don't really apply to me right now. So instead I used the first lines of the first verse: "Here in this diary, I write you visions of my summer." I liked that because it made me think of this here blog. I think if you read what I write, in some ways you do get visions of my summer... not necessarily a play-by-play of everything I have done... but you can sort of see what's on my mind, what I've been thinking about over the weeks. Graduating, starting work, apartment hunting, spending time with my love... the great Religion Fiasco, which really shouldn't be a fiasco but somehow it is :P... some tough times (although you'll notice I kept that mostly out of here)... thoughts about adulthood, responsibility, independence, the future... marriage... it's all "visions of my summer". (If you go back farther you'll see visions of my spring too. :P) Anyway, when I decided to use that line as my away this morning, I just thought it was cool... "Here in this diary, I write you visions of my summer..." There wasn't a subliminal message to it. :) I'm not saying "I write YOU visions of my summer"... I'm not saying "I write 'your' visions of my summer" (you vs. your... make sure you read it correctly) :)... I'm not saying I'm tired of writing for an audience out here... I'm not saying I'm ONLY writing for an audience out here. In some ways, yes, I am writing for all of you. It was something that was a pain in the butt at first, right after Valentine's Day when all of a sudden I realized everybody was reading this thing and I had to be careful what I said. But I've gotten used to that, and actually I think it helps me. If I hesitate about writing something down in here, most often it's because it's something dumb, something hurtful, something that is better left unsaid, not just HERE but in general. The key to communication is knowing when to open your mouth, and when to shut it. In speaking I have more problems with the first... in writing I have to watch the second. Some things are private and should be kept between me and whoever else is involved. Some things are just petty, not worth bothering about in my own head and definitely not worth picking fights over (and there have been times I've started writing in here, made it halfway through and realized posting it would do nobody any good... it would make somebody mad and not help me at all in the long run... BUT the act of writing it down helps me realize I should just let it go, so it DOES help me out, even if you never get to read it!). So I try and keep an eye on what I'm putting down in here for the benefit of all -- but especially me.

Because the blog's still about me. And I still throw in whatever I happen to be thinking about [that's not private or just completely stupid]. It might make you mad, or confuse you, ie if you're not Catholic and you're reading about all the Catholicism stuff of late... maybe you disagree but that's fine. It might make your gag reflex work overtime (this is probably true of anyone whose name isn't Joe :P). Whatever. I'm not trying to cater to my audience, so much as I'm trying to keep in mind that I actually HAVE an audience, and some things just aren't meant to be publicized. That's all. :)

(I lied. Right now I AM trying to cater to my audience. In particular, one person who was concerned about my away message this morning. ;) But since he brought it up I figured I'd ponder it here. That's what this thing is for, after all!)

So today's away message is brought to you by the Ataris, and there is no subliminal message to it. However, as past away messages, especially this spring, HAVE had subliminal messages behind them, I can't very well tell people not to read into them at all. I just need to be prepared to explain myself. :) But I am. So it's all good!

*Sidenote*: Part of the reason I like the line so much is the word "vision". "I write you visions of my summer." Very poetic. Very good word choice. Something to strive for in my own writing. :)