I wonder about myself sometimes.

Like, I remember the night I decided I wanted to go out with Joe. This was approximately 24 hours after I broke up with Ryan, maybe less. I was spending the night at Locke's and we were up till all hours just talking about this and that. Inevitably, about my next relationship, now that I was free to look again. I'd been considering dating Adam for, oh, awhile... which everyone knew. But when it came down to it, Joe was THERE when everything happened. He was around for support both times, he drove me home the first time, he took me for walks around campus and tried to make me feel better. He was the one whose words ultimately led to my leaving Ryan for good.

In my conversation with Locke, I was somewhat torn, and I remember where it led. Picture myself at my wedding. I'm walking down the aisle; who's standing at the altar? And between the two of them it was Joe. Adam, a great guy, a good friend, I could see having fun with, but it wouldn't have lasted.

Was I wrong? And I don't mean about my decision between Adam and Joe, because I know I was right about that. I mean, was I wrong to be considering my next relationship when the previous one had barely ended. And the answer to that is, I don't know. I don't have regrets about the past year. I wouldn't change anything about it, and I don't think Joe would either. It has been one of the best years of my life.

But sometimes, I do wonder whether I went about things the right way.

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to get married. That was the course of my life: I was going to grow up, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. All I had to find was the right guy. And as you know, I thought I found him in Ryan. Which, I was obviously wrong about. When I broke up with Ryan, I still had the dream; in fact, part of the reason I left him was because I didn't see how he would make it come true. So, obviously the next logical step is to find somebody better suited to the role. Is that so wrong? Not really, no. I remember in Youth Group, eighth grade or so, doing a "Teen Creed" -- mostly all I remember about it was the line "Choose only a date who would make a good mate." That always made sense to me. I want to get married, so why would I date someone I couldn't see myself marrying? Having a fling never made sense to me. I would get in to a relationship with the intention to go for the long term. And I do think that's a good way of going about it. I have also never dated anyone that I wasn't friends with first. And I'm talking, friends for a decent period of time. So, I don't think I was totally off-base.

On the other hand... I was in love with the idea of getting married. I want to get married, therefore I need to find the guy to fit in the "groom" slot. I loved the thought of being married, I just had to find the guy I would love being married to. And that, if you think about it, is pretty backwards. The "groom" becomes replaceable. If one person doesn't seem quite the right fit, swap in one who works better. When Ryan and I were having problems, I started looking around at my other options; if it wasn't going to be him, then who was it?

Whereas Joe, coming into college with a set idea of how his life would turn out by the end of it, had pretty much given up on the idea getting married, and was satisfied with the idea of remaining single. His plans had changed but he still had plans, and I think he was pretty happy. And then I came along and said "Hi, um, I'd like to date you, if you don't mind." And obviously he didn't mind. ;) And at some point, the whole marriage thing came back to mind... but for him, it was because he likes the idea of being married TO ME.

See the difference? It's subtle. He liked me... then he dated me... then he decided that he might like to marry me. Whereas: I wanted to get married... I liked him... I thought maybe I could picture myself marrying him... I asked him out.

I guess the question becomes... which is the better approach. And part of me wants to say, his. Because I admire it. I admire that he made a choice to return to a dream he'd left behind, because of me. I'm also flattered by it. I guess I want him to feel as flattered by me. I want him to know that I choose him for a life that is different, that is better even than the one I had in mind for myself. And while to an extent that is true, the other side to it is that I know, in the beginning, I chose him because he "fit" with the life I had pictured for myself.

I know of a lot of people who found what they wanted only after they had stopped looking for it. But I'm not one of them. I was looking, but I found it anyway. What's wrong with that?

Nothing.

It's just the way life happens to work out for you sometimes, I guess. Circumstances point things a certain way. When things were great between Ryan and me, I wasn't looking for anything else. I wasn't "keeping my options open, just in case". It was only when things looked steadily down that I started to consider what else might be out there. The mistake I made was holding onto him while I looked, in case I didn't find anything else. I should have broken up with him earlier. But anyway, the thing is, I HAD other options. When I broke up with him, there were other places to go, in my search for that "Mr. Right"... that "groom" I was ultimately looking for.

Suppose I hadn't. Well, I guess there are two plausible outcomes. The first is, I would have just stuck with Ryan and clung to the dream I had. The second was the one I was starting to form in my head before we broke up: that at the end of the semester, after I graduated, we'd basically just drift apart and go our separate ways. I was beginning to see myself with my own apartment, my job, my cat, forming a new life for myself, and eventually dating again. I even wrote the beginnings of a short story based on this idea, way back in the fall of 2002. It didn't scare me at all... the part I was afraid of was really the "breaking up" part, as in, me cutting it off. Drifting away was easier on me. It just wasn't fair to anyone else. :P But I digress.

The point is, when I broke up with him, I had something else to try. A couple of somethings. :P Right in front of me. When I broke up with him, I knew I still hoped to get married, and with that in mind I asked out my good friend Joe. And the rest, as they say, is history.

But if he hadn't been right there at that time, or I guess I should say, if I hadn't been attracted to him at all at that time, if I hadn't been attracted to anybody else when I broke up with Ryan, then I would have settled into a single life and been fine. That's exactly what happened when I broke up with my first boyfriend Jason. I was single for a year before I dated anyone else -- before anybody came along that I really found interesting enough to date. Yes, that was tenth grade. :P But I like to think my nature hasn't changed THAT much. I didn't ask Joe out because I was desperate, and he happened to be there. I asked him out because I saw the potential for something cool to happen. "Choose only a date who would make a good mate." Do you see what I'm saying here? Do I make sense, or do I sound like I'm grasping at straws just to convince myself I've done all right.

Why did Joe first start dating? I assume it's because he saw his life going a certain way -- he pictured himself getting married, having a family, etc. He asked girls out because he wanted to see if they were going to fit into that picture. I think that's what most people are thinking when they ask somebody out. :P Otherwise, why bother? The difference between us then, is that when he was looking he didn't find what he wanted, and at some point he kinda gave up, scratched the original picture and drew a new one. And then there was me... and from what he says, the original picture is looking pretty good again. Whereas I, had that picture in my head, decided to see if he'd fit into it, and voila! A perfect match. :) Am I keeping my options open in case something better comes along? No. I'm completely happy with Joe, I love him more than anything, and I don't want to be anywhere else. I was lucky, because I happened to find exactly what I was looking for, exactly where I looked for it. When you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad.

I guess what it comes down to is that I have to know that I love Joe, more than I love the idea of getting married. And of course that is true! With Ryan, by the end, I don't think it was. I'll admit to that. But I have grown up a lot since then, and I don't think I see "getting married" as the ideal be-all-and-end-all relationship nirvana that I once did. It is still something that I want, yes. I look forward to calling myself "Joe's wife", and yeah I like the idea of the house and the dog and the 2.3 kids. :P That's just the dream. But in truth, if it doesn't go that way, I'm not going to be upset about it. What I know is that I want him in my life. He's one of the best friends I've ever had, and I don't want to lose that. I love him deeply, and I want to marry him because I love him so much. NOT the other way around. With Ryan... I think in some ways, it WAS the other way around. By the end, anyway.

If Joe and I were on bad terms, I can't say I wouldn't be looking for someone else. That sounds bad, I will rephrase. If Joe and I were on bad terms (like I was with Ryan), and somebody interesting happened to be around, I can't say I wouldn't consider the idea of dating someone else. The difference between me now and me a year ago, is that if Joe and I were on bad terms, and I mean consistently, unfixably, we'd cut the line and not drag it out. I can't say that if I don't marry Joe, I won't get married, because I don't KNOW that. I just don't know... you never know how things will end up. If I don't marry Joe, I'm sure in the back of my mind I'll still want to get married. It happens to be something I want. Like my 17" LCD monitor. :P The point being, that I may want it, but I don't need it... and if it's not meant to happen, then it's not, and I'm okay with that. I really AM, okay with that.

To wrap up: I don't think that I needed to lose the whole dream of "getting married" in order to realize that it's what I want, or in order to fully appreciate where I am right now. I admire Joe for the way things happened to go for him, and for the way he has turned things around for himself and for me over the past year. In retrospect I think I should have taken more time to collect myself after Ryan before I jumped into this relationship, but I don't regret the way it went and I love where we've come and where we're headed. And besides... in retrospect, I should have left Ryan for good much sooner than I actually DID. :P I know that I love Joe and that I want to be his wife. I know that I love JOE, for being the amazing, caring, loving, beautiful person that he is; NOT because he's the easiest way to get to this "marriage" dream I've got. (Cuz in truth I don't think he's the "easiest" way, if that was all I'm after. :P)

In some ways I guess it would be easier if things had gone a different way, if I had really pushed myself to be single after the breakup and not "dated" at all for at least those six weeks or even longer, if I really showed everyone that I could do that. I wouldn't feel like saying I could do it was just "talk", like I had to prove it, which paradoxically I don't want to do because in order to prove it I would have to walk away from Joe and the wonderful relationship we've been blessed with. I know how I feel about Joe, about marriage, about family, about our potential future, and about how I'll be if things don't turn out exactly as we plan (answer: perfectly happy, in knowing that we have both done our best to get to wherever we are). I have to trust that I know my own feelings, because if I can't trust that, how can I trust anyone else? I have to trust that Joe believes and trusts in me, which I think he does.



I'm not going to walk away just because things are hard. I am going to walk away if things are hard and you won't do your part to get us to something better. I expect that you would leave me if I wouldn't do my part.

I left Ryan because he would not do his part, even though he knew full well what it was.

I asked you out because I saw the potential for something great between us... and I turned out to be right.

I have faith that we're both going to go where God calls us to be. I don't know where that is, exactly. I know what I think we both want, but I know we're both open to the idea that something else could happen.

I know that marriage does not fix a broken relationship. If anything, I think it makes it worse. I want to marry you as a fulfillment of the great relationship we have now, as a total commitment and a complete giving of myself to you. And I see the potential for something even greater between us, if we're called to the roles of husband and wife.

I love YOU, Joseph William.

But I know you know that.



The purpose of this blog has been to sort out my thoughts on something that's been on my mind for awhile, and I think I have succeeded. For myself anyway. So it doesn't really matter if it makes sense to anyone else.

Thank you God for again helping me to clear my head through my own writing.