I was going to make the December 31 "Reflections on the Year" post into an annual thing, but as it turns out I actually had New Year's plans this year. :D So my reflection on 2003 comes a couple of days late, but here it is nonetheless.

I want to try and do this a little bit different this year. Instead of "here's what I did in [month name]", I'm going to try to take a look at what I THOUGHT this year would be like, versus what it really was.

If you read my entry from a year ago you can see (at least I can see) that I wasn't exactly the happiest girl in the world. Ryan was in Texas and I was stuck home. I was slightly pissed off at him because he was getting back to NY just as my fam was heading out on vacation, so we didn't see each other for about 2 1/2 weeks. I was probably slightly annoyed at him in general, even though I tried really hard not to be. My mom had a tendency to lecture me about him, which drove me nuts, I think mostly because she was right. All I did was complain about him most of the time, that was true for years. If all I did was complain, then obviously it makes sense that there was something wrong. My New Year's Resolution last year was to stop complaining so much.

A year ago I was still clinging to the ideas I planted in my own mind back in high school. I was dating Ryan. We were serious. We were going to get married. We were going to live happily ever after. There were still obstacles to overcome, but we'd get there, and once we were there it would all be okay. Obviously, all of that is crap. But I was pretty sure even then that I would be engaged by, well, now. That was the goal.

At the same time I was still confused. I wasn't happy but didn't know what to do about it. I knew where I wanted to be but not how to get there. I really didn't know, at the beginning of 2003, where I'd be by the end of it. I was graduating after all, and Ryan wasn't. He wanted me to stay in Fredonia while he finished up, and I wanted the hell out. I wasn't considering Buffalo, but didn't particularly like the idea of going back to Syracuse either. At that point I was tossing around the idea of heading to Rochester. Reasons given at the time: closer to home but not home; closer to Ryan but not Fredonia; a city I heard is nice but not too gigantic. Real reasons, in retrospect: I wanted to get away from Ryan, live on my own a bit and make him live on his own a bit; I think I thought getting away from him and being successful without him might motivate him to get his degree -- whereas if I stuck around Fredonia, he wouldn't feel he needed to hurry up and get out; Rochester, as I mentioned, is closer to home, but not Syracuse; having no appreciation for Buffalo at the time, I wanted to get away from it; at the time, I had a crush on Adam, who is from the Rochester area. :P

So... I was five months away from graduating, picturing myself with a job and my OWN apartment, possibly in Rochacha, assuming I'd stick with Ryan, remaining optimistic that he'd graduate in December, and still stuck on the idea that he'd propose when he got out of school and I could actually start moving on with my life. And at the same time I was confused as hell about what I actually felt about any of that, which you can kinda see in some of the other entries from the time period. December 15, in particular.

Hehehe, you know what? A year ago, I really had NO idea where I'd be right now. But even so, I wouldn't have predicted ending up here, either. ;)

So, you all know what happened. If you don't, it's pretty well-documented in the bloggy. :P But here are the main points:

- finally broke up with Ryan for good in February

- rediscovered my faith in God

- started dating Joe

(note that the previous 3 things happened within about a 3-day span :P)

- decided to stay in Buffalo

- found myself a job

- graduated

- found myself a place to live

- decided to join the Catholic church

- adopted my kitten

I think that pretty much covers all the "major life decisions" type stuff. I'm having a really hard time NOT expanding on all of the cool things that happened last year, but, I'm trying to keep this semi-short and to the point. ;) I do plenty of "reflecting on the past [length of time]" type entries. There will be plenty more to come, too. ;)

So, I guess the next logical step would be to record some goals, projections and resolutions for 2004. Then in a year I can look back at them and see what actually happened. :)

Goals:

- to get at least one of my private loans completely paid off

- to get at least $1500 into a savings account (for my next car) ;)


Projections:

- I get a new job, or a raise

- Joe finishes school

- Joe goes to grad school

- this is hard ;)


Resolutions:

- to do volunteer work of some kind on a regular basis

- to get in better physical shape

- to read more (and to read NEW things)

- to pray more


Okay, so my projections are a little vague, but really it's not easy to predict exactly what's going to happen this year. Certain things lead you in directions you don't expect. For example, if I get a new job, I may move when my lease runs out. Joe's thinking of moving out after he graduates, but to where and with whom, depends on lots of things. Where will he be working? Where will he be going to school? Don't know yet. Will we be engaged by the end of this year? Married? Pregnant? :P LOL. I highly doubt it. But suppose one of us won the lottery. You never know. ;)

By the beginning of next year, I see myself still living in the Buffalo area (maybe Hamburg but maybe not), making more money than I do right now (not sure how much though), still with my love, and talking seriously about getting married. Which is pretty much where I am right now. ;) For ME, things probably aren't going to change a WHOLE lot -- 2003 was my year for big changes... I'm pretty much settled into my life for awhile now. Content with what I'm doing and where things are headed. This is Joe's year, as far as big things happening. :) I'm glad to be around for it though! I'm glad I had him around supporting me in all the stuff I did last year. :)

Goals and resolutions I guess you can say are pretty much the same thing. I'm defining my goals as specific things though, versus slightly more general resolutions. Like, I resolve to pray more, but how often, I don't know. To read more, but how many books a month? Depends on the book. How much better physical shape? Well first define better. ;) I don't know how that one will pan out, but I'm going to try. Volunteer work, I'd like to do SOMETHING on a monthly basis, but I don't know what yet. I obviously haven't really thought hard about this. ;)

My goals are specific, financial goals. Financial goals are easy to keep track of, because you can see the numbers adding up. So, I guess you might say that my "goals" are the resolutions that I actually expect to keep, where my "resolutions" might go either way. That sounds really terrible... I don't mean I'm not going to try to do the other things, it's just that it's harder to keep track of them. Does that make any sense? ;)

Anyway, there you have it. Reflections on myself a year ago, hopes for myself a year from now. I can say that I think this will be a good year. I'm much more happy and confident coming into 2004 than I was going into 2003. :) So, happy new year to you, and may all your dreams come true. Except for the ones where somebody dies, cuz that sucks.

:)