A more in-depth look at what I was trying to say last Friday. (Or, a shot at it anyway...)

First of all, I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to say anyway. Well, sort of. It's like this: here I am having intense issues and questions about church, and my own faith. My goal is to have an actual relationship with God, to live a better life for God, to be a better person. To figure out what God actually wants for me, and to do it. That sounds easy enough right? I even have a basis of religion. I am Christian. Again, easy enough... that's the biggie isn't it? Deciding to be Christian, rather than Jewish or Muslim or Hindu or Zen Buddhist? I am Christian. Yay me! But there's one more thing beyond that. You're not "just Christian". You're Catholic Christian, or you're Protestant Christian. And those are not the same thing.

For the past three months since I came out with my decision to become Catholic (or I should say, to look into it seriously) I've heard a lot of different things from a lot of different people. The one I've heard the most is "You have to do what's right for you." That's the one I hate hearing the most, because it's my entire struggle right now. You're supposed to do what's RIGHT. Not what's right FOR YOU. I'm supposed to do what's right, not what's right for me. What's "right for me" might be gay marriage, birth control, and abortion, but does that mean those are "right"?

So what's right? There's the tricky question. The basic Protestant belief seems to be that everybody's right as long as they love Jesus. You pick what's right for you, they say, referring to the trillions of different denominations available.

The Catholic view, as I had come to understand it, is that the Catholic Church is right, but you're not necessarily condemned if you're not part of it. The Catholic Church, they say, is the original one, the one Jesus set up with the Apostles before he left. It's where you're supposed to be, but you might not recognize that.

I like that the Catholic Church has been around for 2000 years. For me this is a huge thing, because it makes my faith seem more real. I believe in all this stuff that happened 2000 years ago... and this church was founded by the guys who were actually there. That's something I can connect with. The Protestant churches only take their history back a couple hundred years at most... you look at the church history, say 200 years old, and then you skip back 1800 years to the stuff you believe in. Really you don't hear much, if anything, at all from that big gap in between. Why? Because we were all a part of the Catholic Church during that time. :P This doesn't bother everyone. Probably most people don't care. That's fine. But for whatever reason it's important to me. I believe I have mentioned this before. :P

Whatever it is I'm looking for, as far as church goes, I don't know. I like to think I'm trying to find what God wants. I'm sure there must be a little "what do I want" in there too.

Something that threw me off. My first day of RCIA was two weeks ago. At RCIA they are trying very very hard not to put pressure on anybody, because we're in the Inquiry period right now so the point is to come and learn about Catholicism without committing to it. People are there for all different reasons. Mine is that I want to join the Church. The first day was mostly a talking day, introducing ourselves and getting to know a little about each other, etc. What struck me as odd, I guess, was talking to a couple of the team members, saying how I was raised Methodist but now here I am, and their response was basically the old "You have to find what's right for you." That wasn't what I expected them to say. I don't know what I DID expect them to say, but that wasn't it. To their credit, I don't know how I sounded when I was talking to them, and they don't know me anyway, so they might think I am jumping into something without thinking it through. Which is what everybody else seems to think, except perhaps me, and Joe. So then last week in small groups we talked about how there are a lot of different religions (and denominations) and there are good people in each one and we all should get along. Something along that line. Point is, it brought me back to "what IS right for me? How do I pick based on that? Is everybody right? If everybody's right then where am I supposed to be?" Which got me thinking, "Okay, well if I'm supposed to find what's right for me, then why don't you tell me why Catholicism is what's right for you? How did you come to that conclusion?" Which eventually led to Friday's blog. Which leads me here.

The point is, and I am getting rather adamant on this, NOT to find what's right FOR ME. (This makes that whole "deciding" thing infinitely more difficult.) The point is that I'm supposed to be doing what's RIGHT. What GOD says is right. Which would be a lot easier if God would swoop on down here and say "Hey Leslie! Get your butt over here! This is where I want you!" But that's not how it works. So I think what I've been doing instead, in a way, is trying to get people to tell me. But that doesn't work either, because most of the people I have asked keep saying "You have to find what's right for YOU." With exceptions. I have had ONE person tell me that I should be Catholic, and present reasons, and THANK YOU for that.

Of course now that I have written that everyone's going to say "You have to decide for yourself! You can't let someone decide for you! You can't do it just because someone told you to!" Maybe I wish more people would tell me to! Tell me why NOT to! Give me a good reason! Tell me WHY I'm wrong! Tell me WHY you're right! Tell me I'm a complete idiot because I don't see it your way! But fucking back it up! Only ONE fucking person has had the guts to do that! And you know who it is? Yes! It's JOE! Oh no! Not the boyfriend! He's corrupting my mind! He's brainwashing me! I go along with everything he says just to keep him around! I don't think for myself anymore! I'm no longer in my right mind!

Oh my GOD get a life. And pardon my French. I just... oy. I'm sick of the whole thing. I'm sick of being frustrated, I'm sick of being wishy-washy, I'm sick of standing in the grey area with my toe at the line. I don't WANT to be angry about this. I'm sick of censoring everything I say, avoiding mentioning the J-word, JOSEPH, when I talk about this because for whatever reason the concensus seems to be that he is a bad influence. He is the sanest of the bunch, folks. He's the only one I can have real conversations with about all this stuff. He's the one who runs out looking for answers to every little question I have and tries to make sense of it (and help me make sense of it too). And it fucking MAKES SENSE! IT DOES!

I'm sick of people telling me that I have to find what's right for me. I found it, okay? I found what's right for me, and I'll tell you what it is: it's Joe. :P He's strong, he's loving, he's honest, he stands up for what he believes in, he knows why he believes in it, he knows what's important in life, he has his priorities straight, he doesn't back down on things, he works hard, he always puts other people ahead of himself, he's generous, he's realistic, he's sweet, he's romantic, he's fun, he's patient, he loves kids, he's an amazing boyfriend, and he's going to make an incredible husband and father. We have a lot of things in common (and a lot of differences to mix it up with), we have a lot of the same goals and dreams, we talk about everything, we're committed to each other, and we have a total blast together. If he's not right for me then frankly I don't know what is!

Oh you meant church. Right. Back to the matter at hand...

Here's my decision: I'm becoming Catholic. I have been thinking and praying and researching and considering for almost three months now, and I just can't come to any better conclusion, and there's no point arguing over it with myself anymore, especially since I don't even know what the hell I'm arguing about! At some point you have to take things on faith. I have to take it on faith that I am going the right way. God is gonna tell me if I'm off course. I believe that. Sometimes you have to let go, and trust that God's got you covered... that's what I have to do now. I don't know why I've been clinging to whatever I've been clinging to, that little piece of doubt, that little voice saying "Maybe it's NOT actually right", that feeling that I have to be absolutely 100% sure of something before I can do it. I'm handing off that 2% uncertainty I've still got, and going with the 98% gut feeling.

I think this is what I was trying to say on Friday... I'm not entirely sure. Basically that I need to let go, loosen up, and trust that God's doing the right things for me, rather than trying so hard to make sure I'm doing the right things for myself. Does that make any sense? I guess I don't really care if it does. I needed a rant, and I needed a decision, and I've accomplished both of those, so I'm going back to work now.