I think God spoke to me this morning. I was talking to him, trying to sort through some stuff. Life has been somewhat strange for me the past few days and I haven't quite been sure why... there really hasn't been much of a reason for it, to be honest. I've just been feeling off. Anyways, I prayed about it. It's funny that I don't do that on my own much. I mean, church has been a big part of my thoughts over the past couple of months... and yet... my relationship with God hasn't really gone anywhere. I think I've been so busy discerning what I actually believe in... that somehow I forgot to believe in it. Does that make any sense? It seems kinda strange, but that's the closest I can get to describing it.

God is a cool guy. I don't know a lot about him. He has done a lot of stuff for humanity, and he has done a lot of stuff for me personally. I don't thank him enough for it, but believe it or not I think I thank him in my prayers more than I do anything else. Well, for starters, I don't pray enough to begin with. But when I do... a lot of times it'll be because something great just happened, and I'll say thanks. Thanks for giving me that great thing. Thanks for the sunset. Thanks for Joe. Thanks for everything. I'm not sure if this is better than asking "God, please can I have ______?" Thanks is a start, but there are other things I'm supposed to be doing. Serving God. Humbling myself before God. Apologizing for the stuff I've done wrong. Owning up to the fact that I'm not perfect, and I don't deserve the things I have. Asking for forgiveness. Striving to be the person that God wants me to be.

Life isn't supposed to be about what I want. It's supposed to be about doing what God wants. Somehow that often seems to slip my mind.

Every so often I feel "not quite right" about something, for some reason or other that I can't put my finger on, and I start questioning things, and I try to answer my own questions, and I get stuck. And I try to convey my feelings to someone else but they can't solve it for me either, and then I think I'm just lost. I was feeling somewhat like this last night. I was reminded that I'm supposed to be looking to God first. God is supposed to be the most important thing in my life. Maybe I should ask God for help. Somehow that never occurred to me.

Relationships are funny things. I was thinking about this a little bit yesterday but I couldn't sort out my thoughts. I don't know if I sorted them out properly today. But, here's what I've got.

I've been in relationships before. However, honestly, there are only two that actually count, and that is because all the rest were in high school and we were children. I grew up a lot during my last one. I grew up a lot more when I left it.

There were a lot of problems with my last relationship. I put a lot into it, and by the end I felt it just wasn't worth it anymore... I felt I deserved to get something back, after everything I invested in it, and I was right. I deserved more effort. I deserved better treatment. I left that relationship. I found someone who I knew would treat me better, who I knew would work hard for me and be there for me and do his very best for me. He spoiled me and I loved it.

As our relationship has progressed I have found myself in somewhat unfamiliar territory. It's strange, and it sounds strange when I try to explain it. See, for four and a half years I was throwing everything I had into a relationship that wasn't giving back everything I wanted. And yet... I could take comfort in the fact that I KNEW I was doing everything I could for it. A lot of times when we argued, Ryan would say that I wouldn't care if he left, that I wouldn't try to stop him if he just walked away, that if he said he wanted to break up with me I would say okay and let him go. He was right. I never realized WHY I felt that way though.

I'm on the opposite end of things now, in a way. I have a great relationship with an incredible guy who is exactly everything I want. He works his ass off for me, for us, for our present and our future. He is right there when I need him and I know he's doing the best he can. He has told me that I'm free to walk away, if somehow I think I need to leave, or realize it's all a mistake. No hard feelings, he said, "because I know I'm doing the absolute best I can, and if it's not good enough for you there's nothing more I can do. I'd miss you, but I'd be fine." That's almost hard to hear. But you know what? I know how he feels.

So where I find myself now is here: I've got the perfect guy. Wow! Lucky me! I've got the perfect guy, so why am I not blissfully happy all the time? I was, for the first few months. But with the summer, all the added stress of a lot of things that all got dropped around then, I realized something. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve all the things he does for me, the sacrifices he makes for me, the love he shares with me. I'm not worthy of all that. I'm just an average girl who's made a lot of mistakes. He could do better than me. He deserves better than me. If he left right now (which of course he has every right to) I know I'd be upset, because I'm sure there's more I could do... I'm not sure I've done everything I could have/should have/can do for him to make our relationship the best it can be.

This is not to say that I am sitting on my ass and not doing anything. I do things. Sometimes I'm not sure what it is that I do but I must do something or he would have left a long time ago (because he is smarter than me and he wouldn't put up with that for years like I did). :) I'm not completely dissatisfied with myself. I'm just... humbled. It is humbling to realize that you're not worthy of something, especially when you know that no matter what you do, you will never really be worthy of it. One of two things can happen when the thought hits you. Either you give up and wallow in despair and self-pity, because there's no point in keeping at something you'll never reach. Or, you push harder, you try harder, you strive to be the best you can be, knowing that it's never quite going to be right... but also knowing that the effort counts for something.

It's hard to come to terms with yourself sometimes. It's strange to realize that you're not perfect, as weird as that sounds, but think about it. Are you perfect? No, you're not. You admit it. You can think of people you admire, people you'd love to be like, people you consider to be on a level that's higher than the one you're on. They're not perfect either (we're only human) but somehow, the way you see them, they do come awfully close don't they? When they do something nice for you, you feel undeserving. You can't accept that, it's too generous, but it's for you, from them, no strings attached. And when you get a gift like that, you want to give back! You know you don't measure up, you know you're a self-absorbed pain sometimes, but you want to return the favor, you want to make them feel as good as they make you feel... you're pretty sure you can't possibly do as good a job... but you try.

This is how relationships are supposed to be. I admire my friends, in different ways to be sure, but I hold them in high regard and in many ways I think they are better people than I am. I admire my boyfriend very much, lately probably more than anyone else. He is amazing to see and to be around. I am lucky, privileged, blessed to call myself his girlfriend. Sometimes I don't realize HOW blessed... sometimes I do... and sometimes I think there's been a mix-up somewhere, because no way am I, pathetic selfish little screwed-up me, good enough to be the girlfriend of this angel. Humbling thought. Sometimes a bit depressing, if you're not careful. But in general, I actually think it inspires me. Because for now this angel's hanging out with me, and hell if I'm gonna just give up and tell him to move on to something better! No, I'm gonna keep working to be that girl... strive to be that something better... and ya know? Maybe I'll never quite get there, but if I keep reaching for it I WILL be a better person... and if I know him like I think I do, it won't go unnoticed. And if it still turns out we're not right for each other, we'll BOTH know we did our best.

To bring this full circle...

A relationship with God is still a relationship. It's a bit different because God IS perfect, plus God's bigger and badder and tougher, he expects more and the stakes are higher. Not to mention you can't actually see and hear him most of the time (I think that's one of the things I struggle with the most, like Thomas, needing to see to believe). God's always doing stuff for you, and always has, and it's much bigger stuff than any person could ever do. He gave you life. He can give you eternity too. He's everywhere but most of the time you don't notice, you don't realize all the stuff he's done. I think I'm starting to realize it but I've still a way to go... I'm starting to realize that God's not in my conscious life and actions enough. I don't do stuff for God, and I'm starting to realize I should. ;) God is the ultimate relationship you can have. If you just keep taking and taking all the things he offers and don't try to give anything back, he's not gonna be happy, and if he gets mad you better watch it. I think too many people, myself included, have [had] a wrong idea about God... that he's some kind of benevolent, forgiving spirit who loves you no matter what you do. I think that's sort of true... he loves you no matter what, like a parent loves their child unconditionally, even if the child turns out to be a screw-up. But as far as eternity goes, you can't expect him to let you into heaven just because you're his kid. Being a child of God doesn't entitle you to anything. If my kid turns out to be an axe-murderer, I'll always love him, but that doesn't mean I'll let him come back and live with me.

God knows everything. You can't expect to be pardoned for everything if you skate by and live a reasonably good life. Heaven isn't a reward for surviving life on Earth. Heaven is a reward for living the best life you can on Earth. Just like any other relationship, you have to put the effort in. You'll never be good enough, you'll never be worthy, you'll never deserve it. You can't measure up to God. But the effort won't go unnoticed.

Faith without works is dead. (James 2:14-26) Faith alone will not save you. Believing in God is not going to get you into heaven, just like the words "I love you" don't mean jack. Words without action are meaningless.

And yet somehow after all that... I feel better. :)