Lots of things running through my mind, but not sure where to go with them. Have been thinking a lot about religion. Usually am. Usually am thinking more about it than actually doing anything. Have been thinking about how I defend my faith, though I've had few lately from whom to defend it. Have been thinking about how to share the beauty of it with others without trying to convert them. Have been thinking about how stupid some people's arguments are.

Have been thinking a lot lately about babies. Birth, really. Enjoy reading birth stories. Realizing what is involved in pregnancy and birth. What things I have never thought about. Getting a better sense of what this body is actually built to do. Fascinated by the idea of birthing at home. Wondering if anything is more purely feminine than giving birth.

God creates man from dust. God creates woman from man. Man and woman represent the love of Christ for His Church. Man leads, protects, and loves. Woman follows, nurtures, and loves. Church could not exist without Christ. Woman did not exist without man. And yet. God ties it back together in his people. Christ exists without the Church, but man, after the first man, does not exist without woman. A process. A special blessing. A reminder, perhaps, to man? Man takes the role of Christ, but man is not Christ. Perhaps part of woman's role is to humble him.

Jumble of thoughts, as I said.

Also have been thinking about weddings. Used to obsess, but not so much now. Still think sometimes though. A curse maybe. Not the worst though. Met someone in a sadder state. Wedding planned. Websites bookmarked. Budget mapped in Excel. Now just waiting for the ring. Me, I never went farther than daydreaming. Won't, until I have to. Need to stay grounded. Feel sorry for that girl. Wish I could tell her, things aren't what they seem. The wedding isn't the magic fix. If you get the ring, it won't be because he wants to marry you, but because he knows you want it. You live with him, that's good enough, that's all he wants, not marriage. Why should he get married, it will be the same as what you have right now, except he is stuck with you. What's in it for him? Nothing. Nothing that he doesn't already have. Unfortunately. I have been here, or someplace like it. You should move out, live by yourself, support yourself, be yourself, forget the wedding, focus on what you want in a marriage. Marriage lasts a lot longer than the wedding. I'm not saying break up with him. I'm saying, the space will make him appreciate you more. I'm saying, the space will give him a reason to want to marry you. I'm saying, if neither of those things happen, then it is for the best, you would not want to be tied forever to someone who does not care whether you are around. But I'm not really saying anything, because I don't know you well enough to talk about it. Although I enjoyed the conversation, the last time we all hung out to talk. But that will likely not happen again, as our mutual friend now prefers to censor conversations. Just as well. I am overzealous.

Had a lot of trouble forgiving someone for some things said to me months ago. Rude things. Hateful things. Did not apologize. Have forgiven him, but not forgotten. Cannot find anything to like about him. Smart, yes. Respect some opinions. Don't respect the attitude. Doesn't respect me. Never realized just how arrogant and hateful some people can be. I am naive. Not stupid.

Don't understand why people spend so much money on weddings. Why things matter so much. The perfect reception hall. The perfect dress. The perfect hair. The perfect dance. The perfect cake. The perfect day. All of it, doomed to failure. Nothing is ever perfect. Why pour so much into something that cannot happen? Why place all the emphasis on a single day. One day, and it won't be perfect, no matter what you plan. An important day, don't get me wrong. But the emphasis is on the wrong things.

Me? No fuss. Joe agrees. Spend the big bucks on the honeymoon. Save the bigger bucks for the house. Have fun. Emphasize the truth of the matter. Keep the focus on the sacrament. Know what is really going on. Celebrate that. Celebrate from the heart, not the wallet.

Sometimes I worry that if I think about it too much, I will make such a big deal of NOT making a big deal that the whole point will be lost. I have a tendency to do this, to seize upon something and blow it out of control, to not take my own advice of keeping things simple and going with the flow. Catch-22.

Latest wedding-related thoughts in my own mind: want to wear my grandmother's dress. Sixty-five years old this year, the dress I mean. Worn twice (grandmother and aunt), two beautiful marriages, two shining examples of how I want my marriage to be. Wear the dress not for how it looks, not to fit a wedding theme, not for a wedding at all but for a marriage. A dress worn by two brides I look up to and respect. Hope to continue the tradition.

In recent days I have fallen in love with mantilla veils. Which is not particularly important.

Weddings and babies. Typical girl am I.