Sometimes I wonder what's become of me. When did I go from laid-back, easygoing, agreeable Leslie, the girl that everybody likes, that Mom brags about at work and Dad has pictures of in his wallet, to whatever it is that I am now. Have I always been so cynical? Have I always been so arrogant? Did I lose myself or have I found myself? Have I lost my identity in my faith or is it simply that I never had faith before? I used to be whatever you thought I was, as long as you thought I was good. I am becoming something. I am different. I am impatient. I am passionate. I am opinionated. I am not always right. I am learning.



I am not sure where I fit into the world I used to be a part of. I am not sure how the people there see me. Sometimes I get a vision of myself through someone else's eyes. Sometimes I see a traitor who turned her back on everything she was brought up to believe. Sometimes I see a pitiful girl breaking the hearts of her parents for the love of a boy. Sometimes I see a misguided fool soaking up an incorrect version of truth. Sometimes I see an arrogant, stuck-up brat forcing a way of thinking onto people who can think just fine. These are images of myself that I fear are lodged in the minds of people I used to know. These are not who I am. But I don't know how to convey that.



How can I convince anyone that I am Catholic because I want to be, and not because Joe wants me to be. How can I make anyone believe that if I was still United Methodist he would still love me; or that if he left tomorrow I would still be Catholic. That I feel like my journey of faith has enlightened me and continues to do so. That I didn't buy into the first set of beliefs that "sounded good". That I came here in search of truth because I believe this way will bring me a step closer to it. I believe in what I'm doing and I want to share that with everyone. It makes me sad when people don't want to listen.



I don't feel I've betrayed my upbringing but I don't know how others feel about it. I'm afraid that they think I have. I don't know how to talk to people anymore. In some ways it's a relief to think that I might never live in Caz again because I don't know how I will face it if I do. When I go there to visit now I attend church services with my parents. I love their church and the people in it. But if I live there I won't attend that church week after week. Now it is life circumstances that prevent me from seeing all those people regularly; I am here and they are three hours away. But to live there and to consciously choose week after week to separate myself from them, is a challenge I admit I'm glad I don't have to face yet.



I've not meant to be a brat, or to seem judgmental, or to force my religion on others. I respect those who have true convictions in their beliefs. I know that not everyone thinks the way I do and that sometimes we will disagree and that's okay. The biggest difference in me now is that if you challenge my beliefs I will counter. I will challenge yours right back. The reason I am so critical of the United Methodist Church is because I have already challenged it, and I found its answers weren't good enough. I just want to share what I know with others, because I'm sure that if you listened to what I was saying you would view things the same way.



I am sorry. Not for what I believe, but for the fact that we are having such a hard time getting along, now that the differences are so apparent.