T-minus approximately 90 minutes and I am on my way home to Caz for the weekend. I shouldn't say "home" anymore I guess, since I don't live there at all now... but in a way it probably always will be. Even my aunts, who are in their 50's and 60's and live in Minnesota, Arizona, and Florida still talk about Caz as "home". There are certain things from your childhood that never leave you.



Anyway, I'm heading out tonight because my cousin's baby shower is tomorrow. It seems like I know [of] a lot of people who are having babies this year. My cousin is due in about 2 weeks. She's the strangest one and the one I least envy, as she's 19 (though almost 20) and has no job, no savings, and lives with her parents. Her husband (I guess it's okay to call him that now) is a Marine, been in Japan for the past 8 months, North Carolina before that. The marriage was "secret" for the first year or so... everyone knew but nobody was allowed to talk about it... then she found out the babe is coming, and kept that secret for a good while. She has a lot of support, from family and church, which is good. I still wouldn't want to be in her shoes though. And I can't really picture her as a mother, but that's probably got a lot to do with the fact that I remember her as the little cousin nicknamed "Stink" (short for "Stinkface") at family gatherings. And other stuff. Point is, she's about 3 years younger than me, and it still boggles sometimes me that people my own age are having kids (although I'm getting used to that). She's younger than my sister, even, and my sister is DEFINITELY not old enough to be having kids. So yeah. ;) But anyway, the aunts are throwing her a baby shower tomorrow and I'm heading home to attend, and maybe hoping that she'll let me hold "the baby" the next time I get back there in a couple of months, assuming she still lives with her parents by then. Which I'm sure she will. It'll be more than 2 or 3 months before she'll have the means to move away. Once she leaves though, I'm partly willing to bet we'll hardly hear from her again. I could be wrong. But she and her parents never seem to be on the best of terms. Long as everything is in the best interests of that baby though. That'd be my concern. But... none of it concerns me.



I'm just going to the shower. ;)



Molly's also expecting. Have I mentioned that yet? I should have, she found out on Valentine's Day. :) I'm not nearly as worried about her. Motherhood is her true calling, and besides that, she has a marriage... versus "being married" like my cousin. Subtle, but distinct difference. :) Joe has mentioned that he wouldn't want to be in Grant's shoes, as Grant and Molly are both still finishing up school right now and as far as I know there isn't a clear picture of what happens after that (job and housing stuff, I mean). They still have some time though, Baby Denis isn't due till the end of October. Plus the two of them have very supportive families (almost to the point of smothering). ;)



There's a couple other things going on this weekend besides just the shower. I have to visit a couple of people that I skipped visiting over Christmas because I was a bad girl. Well, a bad girl with cramps and a sick boyfriend (on Christmas) -- so allowances can be made, I think. It's not that I mind visiting really it's just that I never have time for an extended period at home, and when I get there I generally just want to see my family. Other people, though I love them, are really not high on my list. But, I will be a good little girl tomorrow and take a few minutes out to see some of those I'm terrible about keeping in touch with. It happens (losing touch, I mean) but that shouldn't be any excuse. :P



This is also a "loose ends" weekend regarding the parents, and that's the part I'm probably the most nervous about. Churchy questions have been coming up again. My mother and I are having awkward silences on the phone again. My dad, trying to be open-minded and understanding, is being fed anti-Catholic propaganda from various sources, so I have to go back in and try and show him what the truth is. Mom too, but more Dad. I guess in some ways I kinda see my mother as a lost cause, as far as this Catholic stuff goes. For now, I mean. I mentioned something about wanting to go to a Christian bookstore to get someone a present, and she totally wasn't receptive even to THAT idea. I dunno. It's hard to explain. I can't FORCE her to see anything my way, and I keep telling myself that's okay... I mean obviously since I think I'm right it would be nice if everyone saw things my way ;)... but if I could at least get her to see that my way isn't necessarily WRONG, that would be good enough. Dad seems at least open to the idea, but he's being fed information from sources that are just condemning it. Or at least that's the last one I saw -- an article by a former nun about how the Catholic Church worships Mary and forces its followers to believe and never question. Oy. I had stopped sending him links (from my side) last summer because they didn't seem to be helping. Actually we'd all pretty much just stopped talking about it at all. But now, I'm two weeks away from being confirmed. Better now than later I guess. I'd like them to realize that the Church I'm joining isn't this huge, horrible entity full of sheep who just go to Mass on Sunday because they're supposed to and so on. I'd like them to realize that I'm still the smart daughter that graduated summa cum laude and that maybe I actually HAVE put a lot of thought into this. It's hard. It's hard trying to explain things because I don't really understand all of them all that well myself. You don't have to fully understand something to believe in it, obviously -- otherwise there wouldn't be any Christians at all. The first steps to believing that something is true are to accept that it MIGHT be true. So I guess that's all I really have to do. They don't have to BELIEVE it, but I'd like if they wouldn't just out and out CONDEMN it.



It is interesting that I've found myself here. I never really gave the Catholic Church a second thought before last year. I had my own opinions formed about it, of course. Wasn't really sure what all they were actually doing in there or what the big deal with Mary was or why they went to Confession. I didn't understand why I couldn't take their Eucharist. But I don't think I ever CONDEMNED them for any of these things. I never asked about them either, though. But... from ninth grade until Fredonia I didn't have any Catholic friends... so I didn't really have any reason to ask. I just let them do their thing, and I did mine. Mine involved falling farther and farther away from church in general. :P Dating an agnostic when you've never really had a strong conviction in anything really does have its adverse effects.



But then there was Joe. :) Joe being Catholic and having a strong faith, nearly contradictory concepts to my small Protestant mind. So we started talking about stuff, and I started looking into stuff, finding out what all is REALLY going on over here... and here I am. I was open to it though. I was comfortable being Methodist, until I looked into Catholicism, and the RCC had more convincing arguments.



I guess the point is that I need to remember for right now that all I'm doing is answering questions, if they have any... not trying to convince them that I'm right... just trying to show them that I might not be wrong. Forcing stuff on people never works... if Joe had forced his Church on me we wouldn't have lasted. He stuck up for certain things he believes in from the get-go, but I admire that, and it led me to ask WHY he believed in them, and I've learned a lot about myself in the process.



Two weeks until the Vigil and I'm sure I'll have more things to say in the meantime. I'm excited about it though, about everything coming up. It's just the issue of the parents that's holding me back now, and the hope is that some of that can be laid to rest this weekend.



I think, however, that some prayers might be in order before I try talking to them. But... I have a 3-hour car trip ahead of me, and no one to talk to.



I miss Joe. It's only 2 days, but my heart started aching from our last kiss at lunch today, and I already can't wait to see him again.