Joe and I went to Confession a couple of weeks ago, and afterwards we talked about it. That was the day that I posted "I think my boyfriend is destined for sainthood" in here. I know a comment like that sounds cheesy on the surface, and most people who read something like that will just brush it off. 'Saint' I think is not a very serious word most of the times you hear it, like "you're a saint" because you carried someone's bag or loaned someone a few bucks or helped an old lady across the street. I bet most people who read the words in my blog assumed that Joe simply did something sweet for me that day, and they probably smiled (perhaps gagged) and went on their merry way.
But the truth is that statement is so much deeper than it appears. When I wrote "I think my boyfriend is destined for sainthood" I meant it in a very real way, a 'person who understands a lot about faith' way, a 'person who can teach you about being holy' way. An eternal soul way. Now he's not perfect, and I'll even admit that I don't exactly find him saintly on every minute of every day. ;) But every so often he'll say something that makes me stop and think things over, and how many times during those conversations have I learned and gained. Too many to count, I think.
At RCIA last week we were discussing the Sacraments, and the physicality of God -- how God uses physical matter to teach us and talk to us. Sometimes it's another person, saying things that we need to hear at a particular time. That has happened to me so many times. Always through Joe? No, I don't think so, but many times yes.
Marriage is a sacrament that two people confer on one another. Isn't that amazing? Sacraments are ways that God gives His grace to us. In marriage, God gives His grace to a wife through her husband, and vice versa. God's grace is what helps us achieve salvation, so to further the thought... in the sacrament of marriage, the two spouses are helping each other to achieve salvation. I think the full impact of that has only recently been settling on me. If you take it seriously you really end up sitting back and looking at your relationship. Am I helping my partner to grow in his faith? Is he helping me to grow in mine? These are important questions.
As I said, my boyfriend is a saint so I definitely know he's doing well on his end. :) Look at how far I've come in my faith since we started dating. Does he get all the credit? No. But I am convinced that the Holy Spirit works through him, and I'm glad that every so often I've been smart enough to listen. Does the Spirit work through me in similar ways, well, that I can't answer. All one can do is have faith and try one's best. God works mysteriously.
The first Sunday of Advent was the Rite of Acceptance for the candidates in our little RCIA group. This year is a small group, just 6 candidates. Team members have outnumbered candidates at every meeting, and I was feeling out of place as a volunteer among so many -- certainly they didn't need me, I am quiet and don't contribute much, and so was thinking about backing out, waiting until next year when maybe they would need more people. I wasn't sure if I should go to the Acceptance Mass, but I did... and wouldn't you know, I was one of only two team members to show up. I helped hand out the candidates' Bibles and marked their foreheads with the Sign of the Cross, a tiny gesture that meant so much to me last year when I was a candidate. It was as if God said "See, I DO need you to be here." I still am not sure what my role is, but since then I feel more confident going to the meetings. I know there is a reason for me to be there, even though I don't know what it is. And who am I to argue with God, anyway?
That same Sunday at Mass, we sang the Agnus Dei in Latin. This is something I love, and we don't do it very often. Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis. Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis. Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona nobis pacem.
On the second day of my new job, there was a bright, gorgeous rainbow in the sky, which I could see right from my office window. (My new office has windows!) I love rainbows, I always gape at them when I see one, and they seem to show up at the neatest times. Particular favorites: in France from the train as we traveled to Paris, in the car on the way to Disney World, last summer at Joe's when he invited the neighbors across the street into his yard so they could get a better view. I think it's unfortunate that rainbows are synonymous with the gay rights movement now, but really I think that's only the rainbow colors. I don't think people look at a real sunlight-through-raindrops rainbow and think of gay rights. Whenever I see one in the sky I can only think of it as a symbol that God keeps his promises.
I think it's neat how God is in such physical things. I feel sorry for people who don't recognize that, who think that human understanding is the key to everything, that the physical world is somehow random chance, who can't fathom something bigger, something supernatural. "How can you believe in a thing you can't see" scoff people who can't see the wind, yet they believe it. God is everywhere, He is visible all the time, if you look for Him.
I read the end of Story of a Soul this week, again. That book inspires me. I want to read the gospels but I'm too afraid -- let me explain. The only time I read is on my lunch breaks at work. I'm afraid of the stigma of being "that girl who brings her Bible to work". It's weird and I shouldn't be embarrassed about it I suppose. I wear my crucifix every day in plain sight. I had Story of a Soul at work the last two weeks and did answer questions about that. I would like to bring the Gospels in to read, and I don't mind answering politely curious people who ask what it is I'm reading... but somehow lugging the whole Bible along seems to say "I'm a fundamentalist who's out to convert you". At least that's what it says to me, and I don't want that image attached to myself.
I am finding myself a much more emotional person lately. Simple things are causing that wave of "swollen heart" in me. You know what I mean, that profound feeling of being moved, of intense emotion right in the center of your body that comes right before your eyes begin to tear up. Mostly I've felt it while watching TV, either the news or movies. I never used to be so affected by things before. Last night I almost teared up just at hearing that Channel 2's food drive turned out to be the biggest one on record for the local food bank.
In the past week I have watched It's a Wonderful Life three times, and it's fast securing the top spot on my favorite movies of all time. They don't make movies like that anymore. Sometimes I don't think they make PEOPLE like that anymore.
I think that, all in all, I am very blessed.